In bible study or Sunday service (I can't remember which one lol) I heard my pastor express, "Truth is not always easy, but it's always simple." Even though the road less traveled is the simplest route, it is most often not the easiest route especially when there are so many other avenues (wants) competing for our allegiance. Over a course of years, in prayer and meditation, some simple phrases were placed in my spirit...
remember the lesson
walk forward in peace
Those phrases have spiraled in and out of my consciousness over the course of time. Yet a few months ago, in prayer and meditation, a question was posed to me...
What do you need to do to heal?
And the answer was simple..."take up your mat and walk." The answer was simple yet the unfolding of that truth in the reality of my life took a bit of struggle...many tears...many sleepless nights...a few panic attacks...the loss of hair...frequent migraines...stress induced "fasting"...and many days of wrestling with myself. Yet that simple question raised my gaze a bit more...changed my life for good.
Simply put...it shifted my perspective. I went from waiting on another person to cease behavior that I experienced as emotionally-spiritually hurtful and harmful to standing resolute in the reality that the responsibility of my healing and well-being is mine. As a woman, I stopped waiting on the man in my life to change, to cease behavior that left me broken-hearted. And I, in the power and agency that Christ afforded me...I decided to cease choosing behavior that left me broken-hearted.
I stopped blame-shifting. Make no mistake about it, it was not easy. But it was definitely simple. The ego is indeed a lofty tower, a "wall of Jericho" lol that only falls under the sovereign might of the Most High. And well, like with the wall of Jericho, the Most High's purposes are manifested through people. I am eternally grateful for the many beautiful spirits who spoke life into my brokenness (my error-ridden perspective rooted in childhood wounds). Because there came a day, in the reality of my life, when a miracle happened...
My ego crumbled and folded.
You see...choosing to remain in a relationship with someone whose willful behavior/choices creates harm in my heart and my spirit is a choice...it is a choice to break my own heart over and over again. But a miracle happened! I learned to allow the power of Christ within me to urge me to free myself from my own pattern.
You see...I was an emotional-spiritual paralytic and I did not know it. Go figure lol! I had been rendered lame by my pattern of complaining, expressing my hurt...believing the illusion of change to be the reality of change...then staying. Repeat...complaining, expressing my hurt...believing the illusion of change to be the reality of change...then staying. And repeat.
You see...the man in my life was not breaking my heart. I was. I chose to believe the illusion (his words) when the reality of his actions consistently revealed the truth. My ego had paralyzed me. Ah, but with the fall of my ego came the fall of the illusion. Hmm, and how sweet it is to live in the reality of a miracle!
11 “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” 12 He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”
You see...I chose to let go of a relationship that I experienced as hurtful and harmful. I stopped waiting on Christ to come to save me from my circumstance (an unhealthy relationship) when He had already done so thousands of years ago. But how did one question save me? It allowed the synapses in my mind to spark, to light-up and bend toward the Holy Spirit's leading just enough for me to see...to really see that, in reality, Christ was waiting on me...waiting on me to recognize that I was already healed. "Take up your mat and walk!"
All the simple phrases that the Most High spoke into my spirit over the years have reached a level of fullness. Yet I am always, we are always, in the perfecting process. From glory to Glory...