Thursday, October 17, 2013

Woman Behind Him


Shug:  More than anything God loves admiration.
Celie:  You saying God is vain?
Shug:  No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing.  I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it.

~The Color Purple


I don't know you as I know the women of my blood.  But I do see you.  I've watched you.  I have caught within my sight the micro movements of the muscles in your legs and arms as you internally wrestle down the Ghost.  But what I know, if I know nothing else of you, is that you did not have premeditated intent to crush her of life.  It was a slow loss.  Locking eyes.  The first date.  Meeting his sisters.  Bended knee.  Then his name edged out yours.

Now you syncopate your steps one pace behind his because he is fashioned from clay to lead and you are makeshift.  This Sunday I glanced at the almost imperceptible droop in your irises... clouds of overcast.  You have grown accustomed to withholding... done it for so long that no one is the wiser.  No one seems to take the time to peer past your bare lids and lashes... naked of makeup yet stingy in their reveal.  But I've seen you.

I  watch you sometimes as you scurry behind him contenting your belly by nibbling on the cake crumbs that fall from his hands.  I can tell that you are force feeding yourself the life he chose... swallowing down modesty as boulders.

What happened to those thighs that jumped from your mini skirt?  The red sass of your lips?  When did you exchange two upright breast in a snug tank top for a slouching spine in a draping blouse?  Why did your reflection become so virtuous... an image without scrapes from the fall of a free run?

Sometimes I catch within my sight the tiny twitch near your band finger as you turn all of your cards over to play match with photographic memory to his beliefs.    You pretend to be happy, smiling with a curl.  While others sway with joy, your laugh is controlled like the stiffness of a dry bone.

I am sorry for your loss.  I don't know you.  But I sometimes see glimpses of her Spirit struggling for the room to move...beside him.