Monday, May 16, 2011

A Conversion Experience


A fool to iniquity's mirage
I fall in despair's abyss
Wallowing in the ruins of my soul
Captured
I am the devil's imp

A friend to hypocrisy's double tongue
I stand at Satan's foot
Carnal and spirit intertwined
Suffocated
I live as chaos' crook

A valued spoil for Lucifer's claim
I cower at hell's door
Begging for heaven's unfailing grace
Humbled
I was evil's next score

I called upon the beloved one
Who could season my tears with joy
Cradled in the everlasing
Saved
I am sin's imp no more

Monday, May 2, 2011

Processing a Pardon

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”   ~Sara Paddison



Step One...True Feelings...A Monologue

I have a difficult time living the concept of forgiveness.  I like to pick a part and give microscopic attention to every molecule that forms a system of pain.  I want to reach a fullness of understanding of ‘why’ and ‘how’?  Why does love go from sweet to rancid?  How does family or friend, someone you’ve known for years treat you with impartial rudeness?   I’ve convinced myself that it is a necessity to have the answer in order for my heart and mind to be free enough to move on.  I wonder, will the angst ever go away?  You know what I want – what I really want?   I want them to go to sleep and wake up as me.  I want them to brush my teeth, wash my face, comb my hair, and wear my hurt.  But wear it as skin so when they hear their words each syllable will smart like the ache of flu.  I want them to feel, feel how my skin is sore to the touch.


Step Two...Reading a Sincere Apology...Poetic Prose

Your very life is forgiveness
You gave away more than you will ever receive
I don’t have it in me to do the same
I pray to have even a hem of this outstanding attribute
It comes
But then it goes
It is a practice of will that quite honestly    
Well, some days I just want the perpetrator to be sorry
Sorry enough to feel what I feel
To choke on their tears in an attempt to swallow down uneasiness
But on a good day I walk through the ‘I love you’ in their eyes
Until I have sojourned the entire height and width of that proclamation
Filled with the depth of one prayer
Please forgive me.


Step Three...Panoramic View...Internal Dialogue

I am in a limbo of my own making - desperately pulling upward while remaining tightly tethered to the past.  And this stronghold has much weight.  I am forced to review the whole matter.  Hurt: the wanton hope of being chosen, accepted, loved.  Hurt is an experience afforded to all.  So now, I must review, take note of the four corners of perspective.  My side is clear to me - they were wrong.  But that is the explanation that my mind pieced together from the puzzle of what their mind directed them to do.  But why?  But how?  Maybe they were afraid.  The intimate realization that control over life is a figment of human imagination is frightening.  Abrupt darkness is scary.  One has to stagger, fumble through to find the Light.  But in their fumbling did they mean to step on me?  Did they see me?



"...Forgive them; for they know not what they do."   ~Luke 23:34